As you may have noticed, my posts have become more intermittent in recent months. The time has come to offer you an explanation for this, and to request your prayers on my behalf.
If you’ve been following this blog for any length of time, you know three things about me: one, I am a diocesan priest; two, I have Asperger’s Syndrome, or Autism Spectrum Disorder; three, I have a call-within-a-call to a contemplative/eremitic form of life. It’s safe to say that this is a rare combination. It also is a source of some tension. Typically, a diocesan priest is engaged in socially active ministry, such as parish or hospital ministry. There are exceptions, but exceptions are rare. As an “Aspie”, my social energy is limited, and this is getting more pronounced as I get older. Moreover, my contemplative/eremitic heart constantly longs for more quiet and solitary time with the Lord.
I have sensed for a long time that I would need to cut back on parish ministry, if not give it up altogether, both to be more faithful to my call-within-a-call and because public ministry has become increasingly draining and painful due to my autism. Finally, this past summer, I felt that I had crossed a line. The time had come. I emailed diocesan officials to tell them that I needed to be done with parish ministry as of next July 1. They requested a psychological evaluation, and I had one done in August – by the psychologist who had originally diagnosed me with Asperger’s in 2o14.
I’ll summarize the results. Here is the diagnosis and the recommendation from Dr. Sanders, my psychologist:
F84.0 Autism Spectrum Disorder, moderate, with severe features
F41.8 Mixed Anxiety and Depressive Disorder, severe
I recommend that Father Mark no longer serve in public settings doing public priestly duties due to his unmanageable overwhelming anxiety in social settings.
Diocesan officials now have this report in hand and have had ample time to read and study it. I have also offered some thoughts on my situation with suggestions for how we could move forward, in the hope of initiating a fruitful dialogue. Has a dialogue begun? No. Not yet. Has anyone asked what they can do for me now? No. Not yet. I’m told to wait until a decision is made. They’ll get back to me if they need anything more from me. That’s how the system works.
In the meantime, my struggles remain. Twice in August, I had migraines so severe that I could not do either the Saturday Mass or both Masses I had that weekend. I will definitely need help to hang in there until some resolution comes for me. The thing is, if I wanted to diminish my suffering, I could do it now by saying that I will do no more parish ministry, effective immediately. However, I am trying to work with the system as it is and to do things right. I am also suggesting things I can do for the diocese in lieu of public parish ministry. I can handle Mass with a small group. I can handle some one-on-one ministry, and limited work with a small group. Anything beyond that is too much. The older I get, the more draining social exposure is for me.
This is where prayer comes in. Please keep me in prayer, that I might find the strength to hang in there and not be overwhelmed by the anxieties and depression enhanced by excessive social exposure. Please pray that diocesan officials will understand where I am coming from and will make the necessary changes to my status, and promptly, that will help me survive. Please pray that I can be a means of the Lord’s love and grace in whatever ministry or work I may have in the future. Please pray that diocesan officials may perceive my call-within-a call and the gifts I can offer, and be inspired to find ways for me to put those gifts to the service of the diocese.
I apologize that I cannot offer you one of my typical posts this weekend. I just don’t have it in me this time. I am praying for the strength to survive the weekend, as I do every weekend. But I am merely human, after all, and I have reached my limits, and gone beyond them, and am paying the price. Yet I trust, as always, in the love of the Lord, who has shown me His love in many ways during the past year.
This is the most positive spin that I can put on my situation at present, while remaining honest. All shall be well. It just isn’t all that well, just yet!!!