Third Sunday of Easter: John 21:1-19
What keeps us from living out, fully and completely, the mission the Lord has given us?
Through baptism, the power that sin and death have over us has been shattered. We have become sharers in the very life of God, and made members of the Body of Christ, the Church. Our baptism also gives us a mission: to witness to all that God has done for us in Christ and through the Church. Each one of us lives out that mission in a different way – in marriage, as ordained, or in consecrated life, to name a few examples. We have a sense of what our mission is. Christ empowers us for our mission by the Sacraments, especially the Eucharist; by the support of fellow Christians; by Scripture; by prayer; by a host of other means.
And yet…
We still come up short. We go only so far in living out our mission, and then we slow down. Or stall. Or pull back. We try again. We reach a certain point, and again we slow down, or stall, or pull back. Again and again.
What is wrong? What is missing? Why do we come up short, again and again?
We may point to outer circumstances. The many things that can happen to us or our loved ones. We all face serious challenges at times in each of our lives. Sometimes, we are too busy, too stretched. There is too much going on. We feel scattered. At other times, it can be the routine, the sameness, of our daily lives that slowly wears down our resolve to be faithful to Christ. However, we have all had moments when a difficult situation strengthened our faith in God, while a seemingly minor problem deeply disturbed that faith.
We may wonder if God has abandoned us. We remember times when God seemed very close to us. Then, other moments come when we do not sense God’s presence, so we wonder if God is no longer there. If we persevere in faith, we discover that even if God appears to be absent, God never abandons us. The experience of God’s friends throughout the centuries confirms this. God wants us to persevere in our mission, so that God’s joy might dwell in our hearts, and that our joy, then, might be complete.
That leaves us with inner circumstances. These may be the greatest obstacles we ever encounter when we try to be faithful to the mission the Lord has entrusted to us.
First of all, we may carry in our hearts the memory of our past sins. Even if we have taken them to the Sacrament of Reconciliation, the inner scars from our sins may remain. Our feeling of unworthiness. Our self-loathing. Our belief that we simply can’t measure up to what God asks of us. A feeling that we will inevitably fail.
Secondly, we may carry the scars of sins that have been inflicted on us. Rejection, manipulation and ridicule from people we loved and trusted. Various kinds of abuse. Injustice. Violations. We may have come to see ourselves as worthless. Unloveable. We may see the world as essentially hostile, people as untrustworthy, God as dangerous or absent.
Thirdly, we may carry pains that have nothing to do with sin – our own sins or the sins of others against us. We may be overly sensitive. We may be prone to great anxieties. We may harbor a nameless fear. We may be trying to come with some form of physical or mental disability.
Most of us carry in our hearts some deep pain or scar that is a combination of some of the things I have just listed. It is a deep pain. One we can scarcely face ourselves. This pain becomes the great obstacle to our mission, Whenever we feel hesitant in our mission, or want to pull back, that may be a strong sign that something is touching that deep pain.
How do we handle this? What hope do we have? Our Gospel reading for this Sunday gives us some strong hints of how Jesus handles such pain in our lives.
Let’s put this reading in context. Last Sunday, the Risen Jesus came to His disciples who had locked themselves in, out of fear. He forgave their sins and gave them His peace, a peace the world cannot give. He gave them a share in His own mission: “As the Father sent me, so I send you”. He gave them authority to forgive the sins of others. He came back to seek out the faith of Thomas, and Thomas responded in a great act of faith. Everything seemed complete. Or was it?
Our Gospel reading comes immediately after that scene. But now, we find Peter and several other disciples in Galilee. Not preaching, not evangelizing, but… fishing! They don’t seem to know what else to do with themselves, despite what the Risen Lord had told them just days earlier. There is some unfinished business here; some healing that needs to happen. Jesus always leads us to face whatever our unhealed wound is, so that He might bring us healing. This is what He is about to do with these disciples, especially Peter.
These disciples were fishermen. They knew their trade. They stay out on the lake all night, but catch nothing. This is the first stage in the healing that Peter needs. It is meant to remind him of the first time he met Jesus on that very lake… when he had been out all night and had caught nothing. Now, the Risen Jesus is on the lakeshore, but the disciples in the boat do not recognize Him. He tells them to cast their net on the right side of the boat. They do, and catch a huge number of fish. Like that first time, when Peter asked Jesus to leave him, because he was sinful. Then, the Beloved Disciple, seeing the great catch of fish, remembers and realizes what has happened, and who that man on the shore must be. “It is the Lord!”, he shouts. Peter immediately jumps into the water to go to Jesus.
As Peter reaches the shore, he smells something. A charcoal fire. A scent can trigger powerful memories. The scent of certain flowers can remind us of the funeral of a loved one. The aroma of some foods will take us back to our childhood. The charcoal fire? That took Peter back to that awful night, after the Last Supper. He was warming himself by a charcoal fire in the high priest’s courtyard, waiting to see how Jesus’ trial would unfold, when he was confronted by someone who accused him of being a disciple of Jesus. Peter denied it. Once. Twice. Three times. Peter knew it. Everyone else knew it. This was only a few hours after Peter had promised, even boasted, that he would die for Jesus if he had to, but would never abandon Him.
Imagine the pain that Peter carried in his heart. He had failed in a way that he was sure he would never fail. Imagine his self-doubt, his uncertainty. Imagine the pain that may have blocked Peter from carrying out his mission. If he could fail the Lord as he did by that charcoal fire, could he trust himself to be faithful again? Nevertheless, Peter had to face this pain. He had to drink a share of the cup that Jesus drank from. He had to do this in order to be free of its awful power over his heart.
What does Jesus do? He begins by giving Peter and the others bread and fish. Does this sound familiar? Jesus meant it to remind Peter and the others of the multiplication of the loaves, and how Jesus Himself was the Bread of Life, a Bread that the disciples now shared in. They would have this food to strengthen them.
Then, Jesus took Peter aside, and asked Peter, “Do you love me?” Once. Twice. Three times. By the third time, Peter realized what was happening and felt the pain. But, at the same time, Jesus gave Peter the chance to profess his love for Jesus. It would be this love, professed by a charcoal fire, that would undo the damage of the denials by a charcoal fire. And, each time Peter professed his love for the Lord, Jesus renewed Peter in his mission. “Feed my lambs.” “Tend my sheep.”
Now that Peter had faced his pain and professed his love for Jesus, he was ready to follow Jesus… even knowing that following Jesus would eventually mean facing a death like that of Jesus. Peter could do that now. His pain no longer deterred him. Love had transformed it. Peter was now ready to be a shepherd like his Master, the Good Shepherd. Peter could now lay down his own life for the sheep, and for the Shepherd. Being freed from the power of his pain, Peter could now be open to the Lord’s grace. The Lord could now accomplish great things through Peter.
It is the same with us. As we follow the Lord’s call, He will inevitably seek to touch our deepest pain, whatever it may be. This is one reason some people back away from following the Lord. Facing one’s pain is not easy. But the Lord wants to heal us, to free us, and to transform that pain into a means of grace for us and for others. For some of us, He may take the pain away completely, and empower us to give all our energies to the mission He gives us. For others, the pain may remain – just as the nail prints and side scar remained on the Body of the Risen Christ, but the pain no longer blocks our mission. In fact, it becomes a means of our mission. Through our vulnerability and weakness, the power of Christ flows and touches others in their vulnerability and weakness, giving them new hope and encouragement.
If the Lord is leading you to face that deepest pain, trust Him. It will not be easy at first, but He would not lead you there if He did not have a purpose – a loving purpose – in doing so. let Him touch your pain, join it to His, and thus make it your true strength!